Saturday, October 8, 2011

Au hands out the quirky awards for AFL season 2011; Ricky Nixon, Fev, Aker come on down


Geelong won the AFL premiership and Dane Swan took home the Brownlow Medal. But who were the real winners of the 2011 AFL season?

We take an alternative look at the season to bring you the awards the players and teams wish they had won.

THE HAROLD HOLT AWARD:

(Gone without a trace)
Winner: Brian Lake - For those struggling to picture Brian, he's the dominant defender of 2010 who was an All Australian 12 months ago. You know, the bloke Rodney Eade used to spray at every break. Brian Harris? Not ringing any bells?

Honourable mentions: Gillon McLachlan after the TV rights deal was done, Kane Cornes.

THE RICK DISNICK AWARD:

(Worst injury of the season)
Winner: Jonathan Brown - He gave us his best John Merrick impersonation in round one and then came back to have his head caved in a couple of months later. Too brave for his own good? Probably. But that's not going to change now.

Honourable mentions: James Strauss (snapped leg), Jarryd Roughead (achilles).

THE GARY ABLETT AWARD:

(Worst-kept secret)
Winner: Tom Scully - Melbourne Demons lost their No.1 draft pick to Greater Western Sydney in September but we all knew the deal was done back in March. Everyone but Kevin Sheedy and Tom himself, that is. Gazza to the Gold Coast was last year's weekly soap opera and Giant Scully-wag served us well this season. Get ready for 'Is Goddard Going?' to grab a few headlines in 2012.

Honourable mentions: Phil Davis, Callan Ward.

THE RONNIE BIGGS AWARD:

(The great mark of the year robbery)
Winner: Andrew Walker - Carlton's high flier could feature in a few categories this season but he is a certainty here. Walker took the year's best mark when he stood on the head of Bomber Jake Carlisle and hauled in a classic. But, the judges gave the nod to Andrew Krakouer for his great grab against Adelaide Crows. What a shocker.

Honourable mentions: Nic Naitanui v Carlton, Ricky Petterd v Western Bulldogs.

THE ALLIGATOR WEED AWARD:

(Weed you can't get rid of)
Winner: Brendan Fevola - Sacked in February, a VFL player by March, bound for the US at one stage and getting booted out of Crown Casino in March. Along the way Fev kicked enough goals for Casey Scorpions to have Gerard Healy suggest he'll get another crack at the big time in 2012. Just when you thought the Round-Up had killed him off, too.

Honourable mentions: Jason Akermanis, John Farnham.

THE HANGOVER PART II AWARD:

(Great expectations left unfulfilled)
Winner: A very tough category in 2011 but we're going to give it to the overweight warbler who almost went into cardiac arrest while impersonating Meat Loaf at the MCG on grand final day. Andrew Demetriou was duped. Fat out of hell left a bad taste in many mouths.

Honourable mentions: Adelaide, Melbourne, Fremantle, Western Bulldogs, St Kilda.

THE FULL MOON PARTY AWARD:

(Biggest celebration)
Winner: Gold Coast Suns - Guy McKenna's fresh-faced lads 'went off' after getting over Port Adelaide for their first win in the AFL at AAMI Stadium. Not unlike the bash in Koh Phangan there were Aussie teenagers running around with little idea what was going on but sure they were enjoying it. Pity Campbell Brown and a few others followed it up with the real thing.

Honourable mentions: Melbourne players after beating Essendon, Kyle Reimers after any goal.

THE HANSIE CRONJE AWARD:

(Problem gambling)
Winner: Dean Wallis - Unfortunately it was a fairly strong field this season. Heath Shaw set the 'standard' with a $10 wager on his captain Nick Maxwell to kick the first goal against Adelaide. Not to be outdone, Essendon assistant coach Wallis upped the stakes with three bets on AFL matches - including one on his own team. Shaw copped eight matches, Wallis 14. Both were fined.

Honourable mention: Heath Shaw, Brendan Fevola, Nick Maxwell.

THE BILL CLINTON AWARD:

(Season derailed by one woman)
Winners: St Kilda - Even when the Saints season ended they were being haunted by the off-field distractions of their summer from hell thanks to the cheeky Cats. St Kilda schoolgirl Kim Duthie joins streaker Helen D'amico as a couple of the most infamous women the AFL has ever seen.

Dishonourable mention: Ricky Nixon.

THE MACAULAY CULKIN AWARD:

(Young talent time)
Winner: Dyson Heppell - The 19-year-old played all 22 home-and-away games for the Bombers and a final in his first year in the AFL. The best may be still to come in 2011 with the half-back a genuine chance to win Essendon's best and fairest.

Honourable mentions: Zac Smith, Jack Darling, David Swallow.

THE KEVIN RUDD AWARD:

(Knife lodged in the back)
Winner: Mark Harvey - It was the most stunning and brutal of all the dimsissals we saw in 2011. Dean Bailey must have known he was in trouble after a 30-goal loss, Neil Craig decided his time was up, Rodney Eade walked out with his head high and Mick Malthouse was going from a long way out. But the quick kill of Harvey's career and Ross Lyon stepping into the breach within hours was as cold as has been seen since Julia v Kevin.

Honourable mentions: Dean Bailey, Mick Malthouse, Rodney Eade, Neil Craig.

THE BENJAMIN BUTTON AWARD:

(Keeps on keeping on)
Winner: Adam Goodes - The co-captain played every game and showed that even at the ripe old age of 31, he hasn't lost any of his electric pace or game-changing abilities. One of numerous players in the purple-rinse brigade still doing good things.

Honourable mentions: Brent Harvey, Stephen Milne, Barry Hall, Simon Black, Dustin Fletcher.

THE SERGEANT SCHULTZ AWARD:

("I know nothing")
Winner: Kevin Sheedy - The Greater Western Sydney coach said he'd never heard of Phil Davis nor met Tom Scully before the two arrived in the land of the Giants. Spare us, Sheeds.

Honourable mentions: Graeme 'Gubby' Allen, Neil Balme.

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